There May Just Be Light at the End of this Tunnel

Thank you all again so much for your thoughts, prayers, emails, cards, flowers and texts. They have been a tremendous help and have carried us through these days. My husband says he's never been more proud of anyone, and I told him that I have been so strong because there are people praying for and thinking of us from all over the nation. I've truly felt every prayer and sincerely thank each one of you.

Today has probably been the toughest of all of my days so far. Just as fast as my baby was here, he was gone. Many people have said many things to me, but nothing gives me more comfort than knowing that some day I'll see Noah in heaven and he'll recognize me. He's now in a place where he can run, see, hear and do the work of the Lord- things he never would have experienced on earth. I imagine that God has some work for him to do, and he's busy getting his assignments.

The surgery went well- that sounds funny to say and makes me so sad, but the positive of all of this is that Ant and I will be able to try again soon. I told him maybe we'd do IVF this time and have 6 babies at once. I'm hurting now and probably delirious. I'll watch one episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 and quickly change my mind I'm sure. We're going to leave for Europe on Saturday and attempt to have a good time. I hope we can start the healing process and start looking forward to a brighter future.

Again, I can't thank everyone enough. Thank you for sharing your stories and your lives with us. I wouldn't want this path for anyone in the world, but this is now my story. I've come full circle today. I started this journey of wanting to start a family about 8 months ago, and generally after you've done the pregnancy thing you get to do the mommy thing. That wasn't the case for me this time, but I'm determined not to let my story end here. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And try again we will. I'm disappointed, exhausted, in pain yet at peace. So no worries everyone- I will persevere. We will persevere.

On a more amusing note to you ladies, I do have about 10 pounds to loose pretty quickly, so maybe we'll pray about that next huh? I love you all and I thank you for being here.

Until next time, it's just another day in the life.

Definitely More than Just a Day in the Life

For those of you who don't know or don't fully understand what's going on with us I'll explain. On Tuesday morning of last week Ant and I had an ultrasound that revealed that our baby's head was measuring a bit smaller than average, from there we were scheduled to see a perinatal specialist. It wasn't an immediate cause for concern as the doctors don't have the same level of equipment as the specialist and couldn't really see what was going on. So Friday came and I as we sat in the waiting room Ant was as cool as a cucumber- totally calm, and I was shaking like a leaf and a complete nervous wreck. I guess you could say that was my mother's intuition kicking in early- I knew something was wrong. So within seconds of the doctor putting the ultrasound tool on my tummy, she said "This is what I see- this is what's going on." Long story short- our baby has a severe birth defect called spina bifida. His spine never closed all they way, there's fluid build up on the back of his brain and the ventricles in his brain are extremely over developed. In short, he'll never walk or be able to do normal things like use the restroom or carry on an accurate conversation on his own. It was my worst nightmare and something I never even thought of realized. With that said, our options weren't great. We could carry him to term and see what happens- this 10 times out of 10 hasn't ended well with this particular diagnosis. We could try a treatment that's in early stages of clinical trials where they cut open my uterus, remove the baby, attempt to close the spine and put him back inside. This is extremely risky for me and the baby- there's a chance neither of us would make it. Then my final option- terminate the pregnancy.

So many times in my life I've always said that terminating a pregnancy would never even be an option for me. No matter what the circumstance, I'm a Christian person, and not to judge others in any way, but for me it would never be an option. I had no idea. It feels like it's our only option. How could we live everyday watching our child suffer endlessly. We may have him for 4 years. We may have him for 4 days. But Ant and I couldn't watch someone we love so much suffer because we really wanted a baby. So as a mother of this tiny child who doesn't get any say in the matter I have to decide whether he lives or dies. It's gut-wrenching and it's cruel and it's now my reality. We're scheduled for emergency surgery Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Just like that, the child I've been so excited about and wanted so much will be gone. I would not wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy, yet I wouldn't want anyone to have to trade lives with us right now.

I've gone through a range of so many emotions this weekend. I'm devastated, angry, confused, heartbroken yet faithful. I have to believe that God has a plan. I have to believe that there's a reason that this is our road and that He is in control and that somehow we will get through this. I have to believe that this trial that seems unbearable will help someone, save someone, exempt someone from having to go through the same. Ant and I laughed yesterday. I told him that I actually found some peace in the fact that we've sort of taken one for the team. We were the 1 in 35,000 that this happens to, so that all of our friends and family won't have to experience this. So you're welcome everyone! Please go on to have healthy babies- lots of them. I sincerely mean that. And we will too. The recurrence rate of this disease is slim to none, and Ant and I will be able to try again very soon. The doctors have a plan for us, and they now know what will have to be done to at least prevent it. This defect is multifactorial and there's not one particular cause. In our case there's no family history, we did everything by the book- it was just a fluke.

I want to close by saying thank you. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. We've made it from morning to afternoon to night because we've truly felt covered in prayer. No matter what your belief is or who your God is- my advice to you is just to get one. Now I prefer that you find Jesus, but if you don't, just find someone. I promise you I would have wrapped my car around a tree by now without God. I also want to say thank you (publicly) to my husband. He's everything that I'm not and he is incredible. He's the closest thing to perfect that I've ever witnessed and not for one second have I had to face this alone. Lastly, please don't pity us or wonder how we will survive. Just know that we will survive and we will be stronger and better than we ever have been. I'm a tough girl, and I will survive this. I don't know how right now, but God will take care of that.

Until next time, it's just another (horrific but survivable) day in the life.

Turning 26

So I turned 26 this weekend and I must say I feel a little old. Not old in terms of years really just old in the fact that when I was 18 or 20 I don't think I ever really thought of being 26. I'm so much closer to 30 than 20. Have I accomplished enough? Do I consider myself successful? Is my life as full as I thought it would be? I think it's time for a little self reflection people. Could you stand to join me?



Any who, I should thank everyone who made my birthday weekend so great. My family, friends, co-workers and wonderful husband made my weekend most memorable. I heart you. Awww, 143 you guys!



TIME OUT: You'll probably see these time outs in my blog from time to time. I'm totally random, especially in my story telling, so forgive me for needing to take a brief time out to deviate from my initial topic.

So I was shopping this weekend- one of my higher level talents when I stumbled upon Tina at a store that will remain nameless. Tina was lovely really. HOWEVER- Tina needed laser hair removal the way I need Jesus. So my thought is for those of you who have kids or plan to have kids or have kids on the way- PAY ATTENTION. These types of unfortunate issues don't just appear generally. If your kid is unfortunately hairy early on, you're just going to have to make your peace with the fact that they're gonna be an early waxer or in need of some kind of electrolysis. Go ahead and build it into your budget. It'll be fine and your kids will thank you. All I'm saying is if you see traces of a uni-brow, a little peach fuzz on a girl or any kind of side burn beard connection- (Tina) plan on starting early. This is less of a criticism than you may interpret- think of it as more of a public service announcement.



Okay back to the weekend- I just have a few more comments. I'm going to Europe in like a week!!! Why didn't anyone tell me it was happening so soon? I was sitting in a meeting looking at the calendar today and it dawned on me that I'm leaving next week. I'm completely unprepared. I haven't even decided to weave or not to weave yet. YIKES. My point is I'll be off the blog for a couple of weeks, so you'll have to look for your child rearing tips elsewhere. BTW- it's come to my attention that there are women blogging and speaking from the perspective of the child in their tummy. Ummm stop that. That's good for no one and a little gay I gotta say.



Alright- I'm out, but I'll leave you with another story from the weekend.


I was in a hurry because Ant and I were super late for my birthday dinner on Saturday night. So I run into Office Depot to grab some batteries for the camera. Wouldn't you know I get behind Mr. Super Cheap who would like to buy 2 envelopes out of the 50 envelope pack. He said "So I can't just buy these two envelopes?" and the no more than 17 year old cashier says "Um, no sir you have to buy the pack, you can't open it and get out 2." So he's all pissed and says "Do you think I can go online and do it?" Remember I'm super late for my birthday dinner listening to this. As I tap my foot impatiently, I'm thinking - really, really- this clown wants to go online and wait for 2 individual envelopes to be shipped to him? The moral of the story is maybe we don't give enough credit to the incredibly stupid. It's got to take some time to come up with something that dumb to say. So next time you hear or see a complete idiot on the loose maybe throw a little "Bless your heart" out there- they may need it.

Until next time, I guess it's just another day in the life.

Why Blog?

I was talking to some friends at work that blog, and I asked myself why would I blog? Who would be interested in my life events or my opinions on things. Well- everyone, dah? It's not that my life is extraordinary, it's just that my life is in fact extra-ordinary. Normal things that probably happen daily to people seem to take an interesting turn when it concerns me.

Yesterday, for example, - wait I need to preface my blog by stating some things first.

• Do not critique or proceed to offer grammar corrections to me. You are probably 100% correct but they are unwelcomed and completely out of place on my blog.
• My stories and experiences may seem farfetched, however people, they are true.
• You may appear in this blog from time to time and comments could positive or negative, but this is my blog. If you don't like it, perhaps you need your own
• If you do have further comments concerning my blog you're welcome to email me. If you don't have my email, I don't want your comment.

Okay back to yesterday. So, I volunteered at a soccer camp for work. In walks Gary, a very small 4 year old. Gary sits down across from me and before we start our art project he says, "So what kind are you? Black and Mexican?" and I, holding back all of my laughter, say "Well, I'm just regular Black I guess. What kind are you? Are you Black and Mexican?" and he looks at me and he says "No...I guess I'm just regular Mexican."

Who says that??? A small regular Mexican kid named Gary I guess.

Any who, give me time to add pictures and all that crap and maybe this will be a little entertaining place to be on the web. No promises.

Until next time - it's just a day in the life of Jessica.