Definitely More than Just a Day in the Life

For those of you who don't know or don't fully understand what's going on with us I'll explain. On Tuesday morning of last week Ant and I had an ultrasound that revealed that our baby's head was measuring a bit smaller than average, from there we were scheduled to see a perinatal specialist. It wasn't an immediate cause for concern as the doctors don't have the same level of equipment as the specialist and couldn't really see what was going on. So Friday came and I as we sat in the waiting room Ant was as cool as a cucumber- totally calm, and I was shaking like a leaf and a complete nervous wreck. I guess you could say that was my mother's intuition kicking in early- I knew something was wrong. So within seconds of the doctor putting the ultrasound tool on my tummy, she said "This is what I see- this is what's going on." Long story short- our baby has a severe birth defect called spina bifida. His spine never closed all they way, there's fluid build up on the back of his brain and the ventricles in his brain are extremely over developed. In short, he'll never walk or be able to do normal things like use the restroom or carry on an accurate conversation on his own. It was my worst nightmare and something I never even thought of realized. With that said, our options weren't great. We could carry him to term and see what happens- this 10 times out of 10 hasn't ended well with this particular diagnosis. We could try a treatment that's in early stages of clinical trials where they cut open my uterus, remove the baby, attempt to close the spine and put him back inside. This is extremely risky for me and the baby- there's a chance neither of us would make it. Then my final option- terminate the pregnancy.

So many times in my life I've always said that terminating a pregnancy would never even be an option for me. No matter what the circumstance, I'm a Christian person, and not to judge others in any way, but for me it would never be an option. I had no idea. It feels like it's our only option. How could we live everyday watching our child suffer endlessly. We may have him for 4 years. We may have him for 4 days. But Ant and I couldn't watch someone we love so much suffer because we really wanted a baby. So as a mother of this tiny child who doesn't get any say in the matter I have to decide whether he lives or dies. It's gut-wrenching and it's cruel and it's now my reality. We're scheduled for emergency surgery Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Just like that, the child I've been so excited about and wanted so much will be gone. I would not wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy, yet I wouldn't want anyone to have to trade lives with us right now.

I've gone through a range of so many emotions this weekend. I'm devastated, angry, confused, heartbroken yet faithful. I have to believe that God has a plan. I have to believe that there's a reason that this is our road and that He is in control and that somehow we will get through this. I have to believe that this trial that seems unbearable will help someone, save someone, exempt someone from having to go through the same. Ant and I laughed yesterday. I told him that I actually found some peace in the fact that we've sort of taken one for the team. We were the 1 in 35,000 that this happens to, so that all of our friends and family won't have to experience this. So you're welcome everyone! Please go on to have healthy babies- lots of them. I sincerely mean that. And we will too. The recurrence rate of this disease is slim to none, and Ant and I will be able to try again very soon. The doctors have a plan for us, and they now know what will have to be done to at least prevent it. This defect is multifactorial and there's not one particular cause. In our case there's no family history, we did everything by the book- it was just a fluke.

I want to close by saying thank you. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. We've made it from morning to afternoon to night because we've truly felt covered in prayer. No matter what your belief is or who your God is- my advice to you is just to get one. Now I prefer that you find Jesus, but if you don't, just find someone. I promise you I would have wrapped my car around a tree by now without God. I also want to say thank you (publicly) to my husband. He's everything that I'm not and he is incredible. He's the closest thing to perfect that I've ever witnessed and not for one second have I had to face this alone. Lastly, please don't pity us or wonder how we will survive. Just know that we will survive and we will be stronger and better than we ever have been. I'm a tough girl, and I will survive this. I don't know how right now, but God will take care of that.

Until next time, it's just another (horrific but survivable) day in the life.